“They were in the pit of despair, but now they’re trying to give hope to others. You’ve saved all of our lives, Otonashi.” – Igarashi

During the first half of 2021 I fell into a hazy pit of sorrow and despair. This fear that filled my heart and pressed against my chest for many months became the common mood in which I almost drowned. I lost myself in an existential dread that held me at a figurative gun point as I asked myself “What’s the point of living, if I’m going to die? Will my death mean anything in the end?”  Even as I write this, it’s painful to remember those days. Living while having to carry something in your chest every moment of your waking life, dreading to go to sleep cause when I close my eyes and let the silence sink in, I would be consumed by the dread, by the fear and by the knowledge that I will lack until that final moment. 

Of course, it eventually got better. I had a lot of stuff happening soon after in my life, so much so that after a bit I finally noticed that all that weighed in my chest was mostly gone. The scar of those painful months was there, but I had found peace in the work that I did and in all the responsibilities that I had found myself in. Yet even now, over a year later after those events, I see glimpses of those fears and dreads, minor openings of a wound that, though it closed, will never truly heal. In the end, humanity is a fickle thing. We are given the gift of a beautiful life only to have to come to a world built on suffering and self sacrifices of our mind and bodies that will never be acknowledged or remembered. Even of those who left their mark in history in positive or negative ways, we only remark on their accomplishments or goals, but never the battles in their daily lives that made them who they were. We forget that those who came before us were human too. 

I didn’t originally intend to make this review. In fact, up until a few hours before writing I had no idea what to write about. However, as if by fate, I came across a small video that among everything else, talked about this anime a bit. And as all the good memories came in of when I watched this show, as well as all my experiences now as an older and, though still learning, but wiser person, I thought I’d throw my two cents into the old guitar case and talk about Angel Beats, an anime that answers the question “Does my death mean anything.”

SPOILER WARNING AHEAD
…for this anime that came over a decade ago…

The plot of the anime, according to Wikipedia, is as follows “Angel Beats! is set in the environment of a high school in the afterlife, a type of limbo for people who have experienced trauma or hardships in life and must overcome them before passing on and being reincarnated.” The story is mainly character driven, with the high school working as a place familiar enough to them so that they may accomplish those dreams that they couldn’t complete in their life or to overcome those regrets that drown them in their previous life. The main character of the show, Yuzuru Otonashi, is used as amnesia subjected vessel to be introduced and eventually better understand the secondary and side characters of the show as slowly, but surely, his past is revealed and the importance of him being there. 

Three other characters that the series focuses and expand on are Yuri Nakamura, who leads the fight in the afterlife against what she believes is “The will of God”; Hideki Hinata, Otonashi’s closest friend and confidant, who serves as a counter balance to Yuri’s more aggressive and energetic behavior. And finally, but not least important, Kanade Tachibana, or as Yuri calls her “Angel” who serves as the first antagonist of the series yet develops into one of the most heartbreaking and loving characters of the short series, hiding a very deep pain within her very cold and quiet nature. 

The main group, along with a slew of dozens of other characters for part of a group called “Shinda Sekai Sensen” (SSS) which translate to the “Afterlife Battlefront”. The world, filled with both souls of those who died with regrets and with background characters referred as “NPCs”, finds itself in constant battles between SSS and Kanade, as Yuri and her team believed that they have lived unfair lives and that this world is a distraction to by God to try and make them live normal lives, while Kanade simply follows the rules of the world and tries to live normally but finds that the others need to do so as well if they want to be fulfilled leave this place. Both have a piece of the puzzle, but both are stuck in their own points of view. Ones because they suffered too much, the other because she didn’t live enough to understand. Cause in truth, until Otonashi came, they were stuck in a strange standstill. Unable to look past themselves, their pain, and find the fulfillment that they yearned for so much back on earth, back before their lives were shattered forever. 

I think back to the third episode, and one of the strongest hitters, called “My Song”. In this chapter we are introduced to the backstory of one of the side characters, Iwasawa. A girl who found herself in a household filled with fights and constant verbal and physical struggle. That was until one day, she found music. Music became her life. She played the guitar every day and dreamt of becoming a musician. She shared her music out on the street and in the subway, waling tall with her guitar and working side jobs to earn money and move out to Tokyo where she would fully commit to her dream

…The tragedy struck.

A blow to her head with a wine bottle from another fight with her parents, leading to an eventual seizure that would make her lose her voice and movement, ending her chances with music and, as she admits, ending her life. The story suddenly shifts to it’s vibrant state again, yet for the first time, Otonashi finds himself wondering why were they all allowed to suffer that night. 

Later on, we come across Iwasawa and her band playing a loud rock concert as a distraction so that a team on the SSS can “infiltrated” and steal some documents from Angel. The event is shot down quicker than expected when the teachers of the school enter and stop the girl. However, as one of the teachers remarks to throw away Iwasawa’s old guitar, she snaps and lashes at them, grabbing her guitar and backing up. As the teachers are getting closer and the students at the back want to hear the band play, everything goes silence and then… the sound of guitar strings. Iwasawa sings a song that she had been working on for a while but felt out of place for her rock band. Yet as the lyrics appear on screen for us to read, you realize that this isn’t just a song, this is the very deepest depths of her heart and her emotions. This is HER song.

I want to share the lyrics just cause the song is so beautiful:

My days end as I’m trying to find where to vent my irritation

The sky is gray, I can’t see anything beyond

People who act like they have common sense are laughing; what kind of  lie will they tell next?

How can they treasure what they obtain with those lies?

But we’ve got to move ahead, toward tomorrow

So I’m going to sing like this

You may be crying, you may be lonely

But that’s perfect–that’s what human is

The tears you shed say

Thank you for giving life to us–beautiful, honest, and real

Having dreams you want to fulfill and dreams you can’t reach

Is dream and hope in itself. That’s enough for us humans to live on

There’s a door, it’s waiting there

So I will reach out my hand

For you who have stumbled, I give you this song and the courage to fight once more

The tears you shed say

Thank you for the miracle of allowing us to meet in this sullied, ugly world.

And then, as light surround her, she utters her final words “This is my life. I wanted to sing like this. This is why I was born. I want to save someone, just as I was saved. I finally…found it.” As she finally found her purpose and fulfillment, she ends up passing over to her next life. 

Angel Beats is bittersweet because you’re happy to see the characters find fulfillment and move on as the series passes, but you’re sad because you know how much they had to suffer to get it. Life isn’t always fair, and sometimes people don’t get to reach their dreams. They lose the chance or maybe they never had it in the first place. We all carry regrets and the show goes to great lengths to give examples of unfair moments in life. From being born with illnesses that prohibit you from living normally to not living up to your parents expectations. And by far, one of the worse cases in the shows is seen through the experiences of Yuri.

When she was alive, she was the oldest of four siblings. She took care of them, protected them and loved them dearly. Then one day, while her parents were away, burglars enter her home and threaten to kill her siblings one by one if she didn’t give them all the valuables in the house. She desperately searched, trying to protect her beloved siblings, given the men things she thought were very expensive. Yet it wasn’t enough for the greed of these men and one by one, they killed her little siblings, with herself only surviving as the police came in moments away from the gun being shot at her. Yet she carried the blame in her heart. In her mind, she had failed to protect those she loved, even though she was a child, blameless for the greed of cruel and evil men. She carried that sorrow and anger to her death. And when she found that there was an afterlife, she pointed her finger at God. She blamed him for her suffering, blamed him because she couldn’t protect them. She blamed him because she couldn’t handle the pain inside her anymore and rebelled against an after that, in her eyes, he created. Because it wasn’t fair that she could live a normal life here when her own family, who she blames herself for not protecting, couldn’t live their life. 

 “I mean it was just too unfair! We never did anything wrong. I was confident I was a cool big sister up until that day, but I lost everything I wanted to protect in thirty minutes.” – Yuri Nakamura

I won’t spoil how her story ends, but I can assure you, if you cry easily, you will be a waterfall by the end. 

And finally, we have the stories of Kanade and Otonashi and I include them together because they are intertwined. As you follow Otonashi’s story, you find out by the end that he himself had no reason to be there. He had died with no regrets, that is, until you see that the reason why he is there is so that Kanade can have her happy ending. Kanade had been born with a weak heart and she was to have a heart transplant, but no donations appeared at the time. Meanwhile, Otonashi had started searching for his dream was going to become a med student. However, after a tragic accident in the subway had left everyone stuck in the dark underground, Otonashi took charge and lead the group to survive. However, they were stuck there for too long. And in his final moments, Otonashi had it written in his card that his organs, the ones that worked, were to be used to give someone else life. Between those, the heart that was used for Kanade’s operation. 

Kanade’s regret, the Angel’s regret, was the she could never say thank you to the person who granted her another chance at life. And as the final scenes of the show closes, whispers the words “Truly, thank you for giving me my life to me.” before disappearing in the arms of Otonashi, leaving him in tears as he helped her pass over to her new life. And after the credits roll, a glimmer of hope sparkles, as it shows two characters in a new life, crossing by as the other notices a voice humming a song all too familiar. 

When I was younger, this series caused me a surge of feelings that I thought I understood back then. However, now, as a young adult who lived through a phase of existential dread and depression, I see it now with different eyes and a different heart. Life is unfair. It shouldn’t be, but it is. However, even when life is unfair, when we feel like there is no hope to follow, no light at the end of the tunnel, it is through the small things that we find fulfillment. Through giving love and being loved, through accepting ourselves and our flaws, through our passions and our dreams, that we become human. We are who we are. And it is up to us to use this chance that we have been given in life to live in ways that are fulfilled and without regret. It’s not always easy, sometimes the dream might be impossible to reach, but we should always live to strive towards them regardless. Because by the end, it will be better to have chased the dream and learned from those experiences than to regret never having chased them at all. 

This analysis was hard to write, but I don’t regret it. And Ill keep writing, because I know it’ll lead me to the dream that I’ve been chasing. What will you do with your time?

References:

• Angel Beats Reaction! Episode 3 My Song (Reaction/Review). (2020). Youtube. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KlS1lRLYOws
  
• Wikimedia Foundation. (2022, October 26). Angel Beats! Wikipedia. Retrieved November 13, 2022, from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Angel_Beats!#Characters 
  

Anime lyrics . com. Anime. (n.d.). Retrieved November 13, 2022, from https://www.animelyrics.com/anime/angelbeats/mysong.htm