There is a longing in the soul that is hard to grasp. As I sit here, writing on my old computer, I find myself lost in thought. So many topics to write about, so little time. Yet from time to time, I find myself lingering in the silence of the room, covered only by the soft piano music that I had set up in the background to accompany me. 

It’s peaceful, but the kind of peace that tends to border on the edge of isolation. The kind that so many others fear. 

It’s almost funny. I used to be afraid of it myself. Back when I was little, I would try so hard to stay in groups, talking or just trying to keep my mind at bay from the thoughts of the lonely stillness that come from silence. However, as the years passed, I soon found I spent more and more time within it, in quiet contemplation mostly. It’s not that it didn’t scare me anymore, rather I found myself more in need of it, of running away from the loud thoughts that start bombarding one’s head as they begin to grow and develop into a society that cares very little about them. 

And it is in this quiet contemplation that I often find myself most inspired to write, looking within the many layers of thought that would usually trouble me and turn them into something that maybe someone could relate to or even understand. 

If my soul had form, could it help others take form? Could my writings help others as much as they help me? That’s when it clicked. A show I had forgotten until now, where the character tries to find herself and her way through words that not only express what others want, but also shows who she truly is inside. All of this cause because of her persistence to understand what it means to say:

“I love you.”

Violet Evergarden is hard to describe, not because the plot itself is complicated, but rather because outside of the context of the show, it doesn’t sound as compelling. Ill try to give it a short summary though. 

Violet is a war veteran. Taken from her home when she was a baby, growing to understand nothing but the mission and to follow orders. However, at the beginning of the show, the war is over, the fighting is done and Violet finds herself purposeless. Her injuries, a reflection of how unprepared she is to face the real world as she lost both her arms, now replaced by metallic ones that she doesn’t know how to use properly. 

Violet is a robot at this stage. She was never taught about feelings, emotions or the meaning of a life outside of the battlefield. That’s why when she looks back, to her it feels as if when she started to live was when she was given as a war asset to her commander. He is the first person to treat Violet as a person, caring for her, trying to help her understand a little bit more of the world, to even giving her a name. Violet becomes Violet because of him. However, she still didn’t know what  it meant to be human. 

After the last battle of the war, she wakes up in this hospital alone and silent, for her commanding office was declared dead. The lonely kind of silence that fills the room and the heart. To her however, it is just another day of many. She is taken in by a friend of her commander, given a room where to stay in and given a bit of freedom to try and decide what she would like to do now that she’s free. 

But what are you supposed to do after the things that gave you purpose are gone? What do you do when you don’t understand what the meaning of the world is? When all that you were is torn down, what is left? 

What is left are the last words she heard from the person she cared about and the realization that she doesn’t even know what love is. That’s when, upon seeing a love letter being written that she decides to write for herself and try to find the meaning of those words. 

She struggles at first, as she is used in the show to explore the complexity of emotion from the perspective of someone who has been thought to suppress them all down. Bit by bit, episode by episode, her shell is broken as she become more and more human. With all the good… and bad that comes from it. 

Violet desires to learn what it means to love, but in doing so, also needs to learn what it feels to like and to hate. What makes her happy, angry and sad. And through all of this, the realization of the consequences of her actions. All the pain, all the guilt and all the heaviness from her past begin to eat her alive before she even realizes it. She is burning. 

There is this video, which I’ll link at the end, where a retired veteran is interviewed after watching the show. In the video, the soldier explains that, even though it’s a show, he found himself reliving his experiences after coming back from war. Where he found himself so disconnected from his emotions because of the need to survive that it caused him trouble to return to normality once the fighting was over. A direct quote being:

“The worse part is they aren’t gone. Those feelings aren’t gone. You’re still feeling them and they still fucking hurt… it’s just you have no idea how to, sorta express them.” 

Violet is burning. She is trying to use her journey to help others, yet she feels herself unworthy of such a task because of her past. One she had no say or choice over, just one she was forced into. Yet she blames herself, as we all do. It was our hands, no? Why shouldn’t we carry the weight?

However, as the world moves on, so do we, and after a few episodes of contemplation Violet is shown the effect that she has had on the world around her as a writer of letters. Helping a depressed playwright find inspiration after the loss of his daughter, helping a sickly mother give a special gift to her daughter before she’s gone, helping a princess find love where she thought none could prosper. We get to see her grow beyond who started out as the last person who realized it being her. Going from the quiet soldier to the contemplative yet expressive woman she becomes. 

I won’t spoil the ending. Safe to say, that it had me choked up. As one of her final letters simply say “I finally understand what I love you mean.”

So to you the downtrodden, the pained and the lonely. To you, the ones on a journey of self discovery and seekers of understanding, I say this; The world is dark, lonely and can at times burn you up. Your past is part of you, but it is not what defines you. Rather, walk tall, seeking that which your heart desire.

And don’t be scared of the silent spaces, for those are your greatest asset. Moments where you can reside in quiet introspection as you grow and walk on the road you have chosen. 

Thank you for reading

A Veteran’s Reaction to Violet Evergarden: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MkKO3Dx2sDc&t=1025s