It’s difficult to explain how far life can take you. The person who you are today might not be someone who a few years ago you would have expected to become. In fact, I wonder how many of us had plans five years ago, only to look back and realize how many different turns our lives have taken. Or perhaps you are more like myself, diving into whatever opportunity comes up or is available for the simple reason and desire to feel real, alive, or happy.

The person I was is no longer who I am, and though that is a good thing for the most part, I often wonder if I could have become better had I not wasted my time with trivial matters. I see what so many other people have accomplished in our time in this world and I can’t help but feel like I haven’t done enough, even if some might look at me and think pretty much the same thing. The grass is ever greener in somebody else’s garden.

In my line of work, it’s so easy to fall into nihilism. I often battle with myself, especially when I so constantly agree with the villains of the movies that I watch or the books that I read. Humanity is a fickle being, so easily tempted by the dark, the corrupt, their ambitions and pride, their own greed and lust, allowing themselves to get rotten to the core only to claim to fight for the good of all mankind, be it through faith or just rule. Yet sinners and saints all come from the same marsh of the earth, and just like that to the dust we return, leaving only our testimony behind, left behind to those who care to learn from it. Sadly only a small portion of people care to learn from the past, always too focused on an uncertain future yet to come. How far tomorrow is that we cannot be bothered to look at yesterday. Every day I see it; another corrupt person in power taking everything for themselves, another group of blind followers enacting their selfish desire to have purpose, another needless death caused by a display of force, another side to be taken in a world that has none. Humanity muted itself into a place of unwilling complacency, having the key to striving for greatness long ago. How far have we fallen as a species, not stopping since the Garden of Eden.

Who are we to claim what the world is, should be, or ever was? We are nothing but pawns to be played in the game of chess called existence, played by either God or chance and even then we understand neither.

Yet as much as seeing the terrible mistakes and repetitive self-destructing nature we possess as a species, after being exposed to countless upon countless easily avoidable tragedies in the day-to-day, after all the dark and decrepit things done by those who are supposed to lead, and seen the lands that I once loved twisted and turned into a hollow husk, a shell of what it was meant to be for the simple purpose of fitting in, why haven’t I given in to nihilism yet? Why do I still hope for the better? Still, try and fight for a species that doesn’t deserve to be fought for or saved? Why still hope when the endless cycle will inevitably repeat itself?

It’s not my own faith, as much as it does contribute, nor because of some enlightenment sense of hope for the future. The truth of the matter is that I don’t fall to Nihilism because I’m a stubborn ox, unable to accept that humanity is hopeless because that’s how we let darkness win, that’s how we let evil win. Even if I’m tired, even if I’m down, even if I see no hope I still won’t fall because I know that tears come from love, because pain comes from the knowledge that love and compassion were there, because everyone born has a spark of light that we eventually lose from our eyes, so why not preserve it as long as we can?

I cannot fall, and God willing I will not fall into despair.

But as the endless cycle continues to spin I find myself wondering if I will be the next person to fall under its weight.

Thank you for reading.

I also want to take a moment to apologize for the long wait time until this post. I realized that a total of 2 people read this page, but those two people still make my day so I am grateful. I’ve found myself working two jobs and not having enough time to even breathe. The fact that I’ve found the energy and strength to even write today is a miracle. I love doing this and there is a lot of stuff happening in the background. I don’t know when the next post is set for, but I promise there will be one. Thank you for your time and have a great day.